The Crossover From Hell
by One-Eye is God
Summary: An adventure involving people from many different stories. Includes random bursts of Spanish that you don't actually have to understand to get the story. Not better than it sounds. Includes Firefly, Buffy/Angel, Twilight, Silverfang, El Carnival, and brea
1. Chapter 1

A/N Apologies for the lack of accents on the Spanish sections. This story will eventually include characters from just about everything we can think of, and it will make fun of all of them, so suck it up. 

Also, as this story was written by two people with separate fanfiction accounts, if you can guess who we really are, you get a cameo appearance somewhere in the story. If you can't, well, no surprise there.

Disclaimer: None of this is owned by us. But we're owned by a certain… someone, as you will see by the end of this story. 

Plinio se reconstruyo todos esos eventos…

She would solve all of their problems. As she stared out over the land that was almost as beautiful as she was with her deep glittering blue eyes and tossed her long flowing golden hair over her shoulder with a melodic sigh she knew that she would fix all of their problems because not only was she beautiful with her deep glittering blue eyes and long flowing golden hair but she was also brave and wonderful and intelligent and strong and spirited and knew more than anyone else did because she had fallen into their world from ours and was determined to solve all of their problems even though they didn't understand her but she knew she could because not only was she beautiful… 

With a loud "PLOMP," the very spaceship that she had been intending to fix landed right on top of her. And thus, she never actually managed to solve all of their problems. 

"What was that?" asked Mal, the captain of the spaceship. 

"I think we just landed on a run-on sentence," replied his pilot, Wash. With uncaring shrugs, the crew went about their business, because, after all, run on sentences are not really something you want to have in the world because they go on for so long and take a long time to read and most of the time have very little real important information and just go on tangents like talking about that preeety butterfly over there. 

Suddenly, without warning (because things that happen suddenly rarely have warning) a dark-haired man with pointed ears appeared in front of them. Everyone promptly started swearing, except River, who kind of expected this.

"I bring a message from an extremely powerful… person," said the man, separating his fingers. 

"Does it pay?" asked Mal.

"Pay?" repeated the man, raising one eyebrow. 

"Do we get cash for it?" translated Mal's first mate, Zoe. 

There was a pause, as the man considered this odd request. "You and everyone else in existence will meet a fiery and painful death if you don't."

"That doesn't seem very kind," complained Jayne, a large and painfully misnamed man.

"I agree," said Simon, the doctor. Everyone stared. "What?" he asked. "I do that, occasionally." 

"The mission will be rewarding," the strange man informed them.

"In cash?" questioned Mal. 

The man sighed. "I suppose my employer could… pay you, if that's really necessary." 

"We're in," Mal said instantly. 

"Mal!" protested the ship's prostitute, Inara. "We don't even know who he is."

"He's Spork," said River. "No. Wait… he's Spock." 

"Correct," replied Spork, or Spock, if you prefer. "My name is Spock, and I have important information for you regarding the mission you are about to embark on."

"Would this information involve how much we're going to get paid for it?" asked Mal.

"No," said Spock. He paused for a moment, possibly for dramatic effect, but no one was very sure. "My employer says that you get to choose how much you are paid." 

"Seriously?" said Jayne. 

"Oh, it's gonna be fatal, isn't it?" whined Wash. 

"Possibly," replied Spock. "However, you will find that not taking this mission will result in the world exploding and your eventual doom." 

"That would be bad," commented Kaylee, the mechanic. 

"Indeed," Spock agreed. 

Jayne, meanwhile, was getting rather impatient. "Get to the gorram point already!" he snapped. 

"We have to assemble an army," River said. "To take down "the Alliance." Or something like that."

"Why the sarcastic quotation marks?" asked the Shepherd Book, who had been very quite up until now.

"You'll see," replied River cheerfully. 

"So where, exactly, do we get this army of yours, Mr. Spork?" asked Mal. 

"My name is Spock."

"Sorry."

"I'm not going to tell you until you get it right."

"What?"

"I won't."

"Doesn't that seem a little… immature?" asked Inara.

"I'm not telling you anything."

A voice which apparently appeared out of nowhere… well, not appeared, because voices don't actually do that, but you know what I mean… it snapped, "You better damn well tell them you pointy-eared moron!"

Spock pouted. "Yes, ma'am," he said. He turned to the rest of the group. "You have to ask Badger," he explained in a slightly sulky voice. "He'll point you to certain people, who will point you to other people, and so on and so forth. Keep going until… well, until somebody tells you to stop assembling an army. Then you get to go kill "the Alliance"."

"Again with the sarcastic quotations," grumbled Book, but Spock was already gone.

"Was anyone else slightly… disturbed by that voice?" asked Wash, but he was ignored. 

The crew arrived at Badger's place only a few days later. There were no appearances by voices or random guys with pointy ears, so nothing needs to be said about those days.

When they went to speak to Badger, he was surprisingly helpful. 

"There's a bloke in the bar you should talk to," he suggested. "Name's Rikki. You'll recognize him right off, all hairy and animated-like. He'll be a good guy to have on your side."

"Do we have to pay him?" asked the ever-practical Zoe.

"He takes his in whiskey," replied Badger. 

With these less-than-mysterious parting words, the crew went to the bar. They recognized Rikki straight off.

Rikki was a two-dimensional dog with a two-dimensional bazooka drinking three-dimensional whiskey. Some of you might recognize him from "Silverfang." Probably not. 

Plinio piensa: Creo que esta cuenta va a estar muy grande!


	2. Chapter 2

The crew arrived at Badger's place only a few days later. There were no appearances by voices or random guys with pointy ears, so nothing needs to be said about those days.

When they went to speak to Badger, he was surprisingly helpful.

"There's a bloke in the bar you should talk to," he suggested. "Name's Rikki. You'll recognize him right off, all hairy and animated-like. He'll be a good guy to have on your side."

"Do we have to pay him?" asked the ever-practical Zoe.

"He takes his in whiskey," replied Badger.

With these less-than-mysterious parting words, the crew went to the bar. They recognized Rikki straight off.

Rikki was a two-dimensional dog with a two-dimensional bazooka drinking three-dimensional whiskey. Some of you might recognize him from "Silverfang." Probably not.

Plinio piensa: Creo que esta cuenta va a estar muy grande!

A/N We want bread.

Disclaimer: We are gods and we own everything. So all y'alls owe us some money. We're suing your asses.

Plino fue a comprar narcos. Porque? Por que Plinio piensa: creo que voy a necessitar narcos para la resta de la cuenta!

Mal stepped forward and sat down next to the two-dimensional dog. "Word around here is that you're pretty good with that there bazooka," he said.

Rikki turned and let out a large blech. He spoke with a drunken drawl, "Well, I once slew a giant bear. But the bear kinda killed me. If it wasn't for the bazooka, I'd be dead. It's my only child."

Somewhere in the distance, Gin died a little. (You have no idea what we're talking about, do you?)

"You know, we could use you for a mission that we're gonna start soon even though we have no idea what it is. What'd ya take?" Mal asked.

Rikki simply replied, "Whisky, firepower, and hot Akita bitches."

"I like this guy," Jayne commented.

"We got two out of three for you," Mal said.

"Done," Rikki announced. "I know these two guys with pointy teeth," he added. "They're bitches, and not the good kind, but I think they could help us out."

"You know what?" Book said. "I want bread." Everyone stared.

Suddenly a booming voice from the sky interrupted. "Hurry up," it shouted. "You don't need bread. Only stoned kids want bread. Are you stoned, Book?"

"Of course not!" Book replied indignantly. "I am a member of the Order of…"

The voice interrupted once again, "I thought not."

"But bread is a staple product!" River cried.

"I might be stoned," mused Inara. Mal stared.

Kaylee wondered where they got the drugs from, since they hadn't stopped at a local drug dealer. Maybe it was just a writer thing.

Rikki looked at them disgustedly. With the benefit of his great, wise experience, he knew that the only good drug was alcohol. Little did he know, the only good drug was youtube.

They bordered… boarded… borded… Serenity, and headed for a distant planet. The journey was very long, and most of it was spent with Jayne and Rikki comparing guns. A normal onlooker would have thought it was compensation, but it was actually, seriously about the guns. Well, maybe for Jayne it was compensation. But Riki was so badass, he had no need for compensation.

While Rikki and Jayne compensated (or didn't, as the case may be) Kaylee and Wash pondered how to get the run-on sentence and the beautiful woman off the front of Serenity.

Finally, they landed on the far-off planet that Rikki had directed them to. Exiting Serenity, they saw two men in crappy leather jackets arguing.

"No, way!" shouted one with white blonde hair. "I'm way more badass than you, Angelus. I would've totally killed Buffy if you'd given me the chance. But noooooooooooooo, you wanted to mentally torture her."

"You don't understand the true meaning of evil," replied the one called Angelus. "It's an art form, Spike."

Spike laughed. "Yeah, I guess ripping some bloke's lungs out is pretty nice."

Rikki, who was easily annoyed by dialogue that didn't further the plot, interrupted them. "Just shut up," he snapped. "Angelus, you're much less badass. It's obvious."

"Maybe I'll just kill you, dog," growled Angelus.

Rikki scoffed. "What're you going to do, draw me to death?"

Angelus sulked in a corner. "Just because I'm a good artist, everyone picks on me. That's evil, it's plenty evil. Artistic talent is evil."

In the mean time, Rikki and Spike exchanged a high five. Or something similar, since Rikki actually had paws. Two-dimensional, animated paws.

"Hey, Spike, ma man, how's things in Sunnydale?" asked Rikki.

"Terrible," replied Spike. "There's an annoying new vamp bloke in town, trying to convert everyone to vegetarianism. Doesn't seem to get that eating animals still counts as eating meat. And his girlfriend! Don't get me started on that bird."

Angelus, suddenly transforming back into his good alter-ego Angel, added "Even I would eat the girl, and I'm a sucker for humans. She's just whining and tripping all the time, and when they're separated, God, it's horrible. And him! He glitters. Who glitters?"

"Captain Forehead's right," Spike agreed. "That vampire is trouble."

"I'm the only captain around here," Mal interjected.

"Let me introduce you to the Firefly crew," Rikki said.

The two groups shook hands. "We've met," Angel pointed out. "Joss had a meeting once…"

"Oh, yeah!" remembered Zoe.

"Yeah, we still need to have that arm wrestling rematch," Angel told Zoe. "I still think I could kick your ass.

Zoe didn't justify this with a response.

The plot was about to take an awkward drop, when all of a sudden they heard the voice of a blonde female. "You can go out in daylight?" she demanded of someone they couldn't see. "What is this, bad fanfiction?"

And obnoxiously perfect male voice replied, "You don't understand true literature, Slayer. And you can't kill Bella! You'll have to kill me first!"

"I don't kill humans," the girl replied tiredly. "No matter how obnoxious they are. And trust me, this show has plenty of obnoxious characters."

"Good," replied the other. "Everyone should know that my love for Bella brings me to protect her."

"I don't mind slaying vampires, you know," the girl commented.

"You shall never hurt my Bella!" cried the obnoxious boy.

Suddenly, River collapsed to the ground (no, she collapsed to the sky. What'd you think?) Moaning loudly, she said, "Too much stupidity in one person. I can't take it anymore! Send me back to the Alliance!"

"River!" cried Simon, concerned for the welfare of his crazy sister. "You don't mean that!"

River gave him a look. "There's no thoughts in their heads. Just glitter. Too much glitter. So much glitter. Oh, God, no!"

Wash looked at his friends in confusion. "Isn't anyone concerned that there are suddenly vampires? And a two-dimensional dog?" Everyone ignored him.

Suddenly, the voice who was so good at moving the plot along intervened. "Are you guys stoned or something? Everyone who isn't evil, including Angelus and Spike, get on the boat, before you all die."

Rikki, who was not good at following instructions, suddenly ran in the opposite direction of everyone else. A beautiful girl was walking towards the glittering vampire. He punched her in the face. "Get a job!" he shouted. "We need more bear hunters, and this way you'll die quickly."

A ragtag group of teenagers appeared from nowhere and started to walk onto Serenity.

"Hang on, we need to bring all these people?" asked Mal. "We don't have room."

"I think visitors would be nice," Kaylee commented.

"Yeah, and I could have some new clients," Inara teased Mal.

Horrified, Mal ordered the teenagers off his boat. They ignored him.

"So who's flying this thing?" asked a red-haired girl.

"I'm the pilot!" Wash announced.

"Cool," said a boy with a guitar. "I'll show you where to go next." The two of them walked off, while the rest headed for the lounge to lounge.

Meanwhile, Edward was plotting his revenge against Rikki for punching his girlfriend. Bella, who was trying to ponder the meaning of the phrase "get a job" found that her tiny brain couldn't handle it. She began to cry, because that's what she does when she can't handle something, like thinking.

"There there, Bella," said Edward absently. "Eat some bread to calm yourself down."

"No!" shouted Bella. "I hate bread! Bread is gross!"

Edward nodded. "You're right," he said. "Why would I suggest something as disgusting as bread?"

From this scene, you can tell that they are evil. Somewhere in a distance, a random-ass teenager died a little.

Plinio dice: Maldito! Estos narcos son buenisimos.


End file.
